I was never lost...

So over the Easter holidays I was off work and was no where near a computer - for a FULL FIVE DAYS... which was amazing! I spent a lot of time curled up on the sofa watching DVD's, taking Turf long walks along the shore, reading books in the back garden (in our rare bit of sunshine), visiting family, baking cupcakes, eating Easter eggs, cooking for the family and generally living the good life.

I'm not a regular blogger, I'm not even a real blogger... I just put everything and anything on here that I think someone else may find interesting. Sometimes I use this as a sort of overflow writing space when I can't fit something in a facebook post or a tweet - like a recipe or a little review of somewhere I have visited.

I don't mind posting recipes and recommendations about things online, and I love posting pictures of our little family, but some things are personal and private, but I will share one of them with you today and this is why...

When I returned to my computer from my Easter break I had two unopened facebook mails. One of them contained a link to a webpage where something had been written about me - a person who I once considered my closest friend wrote that they had 'lost' me.


In the past few years I have had some really terrible things happen in my life, things I wouldn't wish on anyone. Not everyone knows about these things - generally everyone knows about one of them - but there were others that culminated with me being very down all the time, nothing could make me happy. I could fake a smile, but inside there was nothing, no real happiness - for example one of our guinea pigs dying sent me into absolute grief and misery for three days - I was physically unable to stop crying. Another - I have never had any problem with flying... but all of a sudden I am terrified of it, I shake and cry uncontrollably even at the thought that I have to get onto a plane - the anxiety I have surrounding flight is horrible. Seeing an ad for PETA of dogs in a cage in China sets me into hours of crying and sadness at the world. I used to cry in bed every night for no reason at all - I would wake in the morning and my pillow would be soaking. I would cry in the shower. I was sad for weeks on end. I didn't enjoy the things that I used to.

I now know that this was depression, and I wasn't the only person in my family who suffered from it. I always thought of the ability not to cope with things as a weakness, but now I know that it's not a weakness, its having been strong for so long and carrying so many things inside that you eventually break.

When I read that link this morning the word 'lost' really stuck. I may have been lost inside, but I felt discarded by someone who I thought knew me better than anyone. I was at one of my lowest points when I was discarded by this person who I considered one of my closest friends. I was struggling with my own blackness and trying to help them with the things they were fighting, or about to begin to. But I was very very low, which made it all the worse. I couldn't understand why I had been discarded, replaced. What had I done, was it because I couldn't be happy enough, couldn't smile enough, didn't go out and 'have a good time' enough? Is this why they didn't want me around to help them? Because I couldn't even help myself? I would burst into tears while driving to work for no reason.

One thing I have learned is that the best way to ease the feelings you get with depression is to talk to someone about it. My family and friends helped me to realise that things in life happen for a reason, I can't force someone to want me in their life. When things happen to a person, sometimes they change, sometimes you no longer fit in their life... this is what happened to me, I no longer 'fit' in this person's life. This person was fighting their own things, and I no longer fit. It took me over a year to move on from that, but now I no longer burst into tears when I think about it, I no longer think that I should have changed in someway, that I should have been better, that I should have kept trying.

I wish this person every happiness with their life, because they really do deserve it.

I am no longer angry. I have moved on. I have control of my depression. I don't cry every night. I don't burst into tears for no reason. I like to be out in the sunshine. I enjoy life.

When I am feeling low now I look at this little face and he makes me feel warm inside...

Depression is more than simply feeling unhappy or fed up for a few days...

We all go through spells of feeling down, but when you're depressed you feel persistently sad for weeks or months, rather than just a few days. Some people still think that depression is trivial and not a genuine health condition. They're wrong. Depression is a real illness with real symptoms, and it's not a sign of weakness or something you can "snap out of" by "pulling yourself together".
The good news is that with the right treatment and support, most people can make a full recovery.

Speak to your GP...
 
It's important to seek help from your GP if you think you may be depressed. Many people wait a long time before seeking help for depression, but it's best not to delay. The sooner you see a doctor, the sooner you can be on the way to recovery.
Sometimes there is a trigger for depression. Life-changing events, such as bereavement, losing your job or even having a baby, can bring it on. 
People with a family history of depression are also more likely to experience it themselves. But you can also become depressed for no obvious reason.

Depression is quite common and affects about one in 10 of us at some point. It affects men and women, young and old.
Depression can also strike children. Studies have shown that about 4% of children aged five to 16 in the UK are affected by depression.

Living with depression...

Many people with depression benefit by making lifestyle changes such as getting more exercise, cutting down on alcohol and eating more healthily. Self-help measures such as reading a self-help book or joining a support group are also worthwhile.

You can find out more about depression on the NHS website